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Quitters never win, but sometimes they live to play another day

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In the late spring/early summer of 2017, after months of trying, I found myself pregnant for only the second time in my life. We discovered soon after that the pregnancy was ectopic, and I had emergency surgery to remove an ovary.

Had the pregnancy been normal and healthy, the baby would have been due at the end of January 2018, so... I would have a kid turning 1 right about now.

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This past spring/summer, I managed to get pregnant again. And my heart broke a second time when it ended in miscarriage.

Had the pregnancy been normal and healthy, the baby would have been due at the beginning of February 2019, so... I would be waddling around, very nearly full term right about now.

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Instead of a birthday or a due date circled on my calendar, I have put a star by February 1st, the day that registration for USPA Nationals opens.

I've been talking about going to Nationals since the dates were first announced a couple months ago, but the thing that has gone unspoken so far is that in…

Meet recap: PDX Winter Open (USPA non-tested)

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In 2017, a few months after I had first moved up here to Oregon, I was signed up to do a springtime meet. But I dropped out because I wasn't able to commit to training, and I didn't want to show up with anything less than my best. Like, I couldn't fathom the idea of competing and not going all out, so I didn't want to do it at all, even though I could've probably broken records and made a decent showing.

Can you relate? I think there are a lot of us who are like, "If I can't be awesome, I don't even want to try." Admittedly, it's probably not the best way to go through life, but that's kind of how I've always been.

Yesterday, however, I did that very thing: I showed up to a meet untrained, under-rested, and still trying to get over a cold and cough. You know, after a WEEK of stressing out about my students' grades, the end of the semester coming up, and the piles of essays waiting for me at home.

I signed up for this meet a while …

New sport, same issues

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Being a (cishet) woman in powerlifting has been an interesting experience so far.

Among my own personal circle within the lifting community, it's been great. Everyone I know and have lifted with has been really supportive and encouraging. I've never had a man get upset at the fact that I am strong. (At least, not to my face or in any way that has gotten back to me.) I have always been approached with respect and kindness. I feel valued and strong. I feel empowered.

Looking at the larger community of powerlifting on social media, I feel... less so. Granted, social media (and mainstream media) has this effect on everyone regardless of what hobby or interest you're talking about, but even within the powerlifting community, I constantly feel like I am not good enough.

It's interesting, because you would THINK that even among the current powerlifting scene, where women are being welcomed more and more, where the fashion-model body type is not the predominant aesthetic, whe…

"Figure out who you are, and do it on purpose": a recap of Deadlifts for Doernbecher 2018 and looking ahead

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I have to admit, I've been lost lately.

It's been an ugly combination of poor physical health exacerbated by stress, which leads to poor mental health, which then exacerbates the stress.  It's a terrible cycle. I have to say, I have cried in front of people a little too often lately. Like, AT WORK, even. This is my twelfth year of teaching, and I have cried at work more times in the last month than I have in all the years before. I feel like I've been sick for going-on-two months now.

It's not just teaching though--I'm stressed out by many different aspects of my life right now, and even the things that are supposed to be enjoyable are also now adding to that.

Case in point: Deadlifts for Doernbecher this year. The amount of times I've worked out in the last few months could probably be counted on one hand. This hobby of mine that I happen to be good at has started to become a huge monkey on my back, because every day that ticks by that I have to skip a wo…

Random thoughts for the day, on motherhood

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So, you probably know that I'm super into planners, and Happy Planner's new line for 2019 features five different "Planner Girls": Socialite, Faith Warrior, Super Mom, Miss Maker, and Healthy Hero.

You can probably guess that I automatically gravitated towards Miss Maker (the "crafty" girl) and Healthy Hero (the fitness/health girl). Like, that's a given. If you know me, you know those are SO my thing. Like, absolutely no question there.

I am not Socialite, and I am not Faith Warrior. But the Super Mom label gave me pause. I mean, I AM a mom. I don't often think about myself that way, but I did at one point give birth to a human, and she's still HERE, and she's doing well, and by all counts, I am definitely momming here.

But why don't I think of myself as A MOTHER? (And definitely NOT a Super Mom, although I should note that they're being tongue-in-cheek, as evidenced by the example graphic above.) I'm thinking it's because …

“Sometimes the bravest and most important thing you can do is just show up.” - Brene Brown

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It's been a while since I've updated, and it's because I've had a lot going on: I've started a new job at a physical school again, and it has been going well overall (thanks HUGELY to an amazing, supportive faculty and staff), but it has also been exhausting and a lot of work. I am on my feet so much more than I have been in a loooong time, and I'm always attending meetings. I don't even have a whole lot of time to breathe during my prep periods.

So, for the first couple of weeks, I was trying to adjust physically to my new daily routine of waking up at 6am, being on my feet most of the day until 3:30pm, not getting home until closer to 5, then making dinner, and then barely keeping my eyes open long enough to spend time with my family until crashing into bed. As you can probably imagine, this didn't leave me with much energy for going to the gym. I wanted to, but I was tired to the bone, and my executive functioning was pretty much shot. I looked like…

Okay? Okay.

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CW: pregnancy loss
(In case this is something triggering for you)