Saturday, September 9, 2017

This is what happens when you spend Saturday night at Target.


I miss running. I miss it with an ache that I feel deep in my chest.

Tonight at Target, I was walking past the activewear section (which is actually where I get all my workout clothes), and there was a huge display for running gear. "Keeps you cool while you run!", the tag said.

I don't run. Not anymore, I thought.

And there it was. That familiar ache and that stinging sensation behind my eyes. For a moment, I thought I might actually start tearing up, right there in front of the racerback tank tops made with wicking fabric.

If I miss it so much, why don't I just try to do it again, and start slow? My friend, I'm afraid at this point, my knee can't even handle a slow start; it hurts when I walk too much, sometimes. Or all I have to do is place my foot down wrong while I'm walking and I can feel a sharp pain that makes me catch my breath, and then I have to limp rather gingerly until it sort of works itself out.

At this point, I have to decide whether I really, really want to put my knee on the line, lose a ton of weight to take the pressure off of it (and we all know how easy THAT process is!), and risk giving up my powerlifting strength just so I can maybe do some 5k's or 10k's for another few years, possibly a half marathon if I'm lucky, and probably never another full marathon ever again. Note: there is nothing wrong with 5k's or 10k's, but you know that's not where my heart lies. I love the looooooooong run.

I envy 80 year olds that can still run, because I really think I've reached the end of the proverbial road in this sport. I could train to race-walk, I suppose, but again, that's just not where my heart is.

So I have to choose, right? And even though I haven't been consistently training this year, I do in fact choose powerlifting. With derby absolutely out of the question as well, it's kind of my only thing left that I can do, that I love. And knowing that I've reached a this-or-nothing-at-all point in my very short athletic life feels rather pressuring. Like, it took me so long to figure out the sports that I love to do, and now, I feel like I have precious little time left and I REALLY have to make it count this time. I'm in a situation where I feel like I have to double-down.

And I'm happy that I have powerlifting in my life. Again, I could definitely stand to show up more (or, at all, considering how hectic my life has gotten lately) and put in some consistent work, but in my heart of hearts, I feel like it's where I'm meant to be, the path I should be following.

But goddamn, if I don't miss running. I am stupidly sad watching other people run and hearing about other people's training these days.


Monday, August 28, 2017

"Even if it makes others uncomfortable I will love who I am." - Janelle Monae

My beauty blog has been on hiatus for quite a while now, and I'm undecided about when I'll get it going again (or even if). No, I haven't stopped loving makeup and makeup artistry-- I think what has changed most for me (aside from moving to an area where I don't feel the need to be so made up all the time, and not working full-time out of the house anymore) is that I've been feeling increasingly estranged from beauty blogging and social media.

Go ahead and check the Instagram page for any major beauty brand or retailer-- what do you notice about the models and influencers they regularly feature? You do get some racial diversity. You get some body diversity. You even get some gender diversity. You very rarely get all these things at the same time. And you almost never get anyone who looks like they're older than 30. (I mean, there probably are major influencers who are over 30, but they usually don't look it.)

I've said quite often that representation matters, and I see myself rarely enough. I feel like I'm seeing myself in the beauty world less and less. It hasn't changed my love for makeup, but it has changed my eagerness to be a part (however small) of beauty media. It's never very motivating for me to feel unwanted. Some people can take that as a challenge and run with it, muscling their way in and creating a space for themselves. Me, I want to slip quietly out the back door and go home, and change into some PJs, and watch some Poldark.

Besides, it's kinda nice buying some makeup and then enjoying it right away without worrying about getting some good product photographs before I get my grubby hands all over it. Or looking presentable for FOTD pictures (because sometimes I really just don't feel like being on camera!)

Anyway... this is but a small part of some more general thoughts I've been having about 1) my looks, 2) my age (I turn 35 soon), and 3) whether/how much I actually want to care about either of those things. I've never been afraid of getting older (but I guess I've always looked young for my age, so it's never been a concern), and for the most part, I've come to a good detente with my body about my shape and size. But every now and then, my insecurities rear their ugly heads (as I'm sure happens to everyone, right?)

Media (social or otherwise) has a lot to do with it. I can feel my self-esteem meter plummeting when I spend more time browsing makeup or fashion sites. Or seeing articles praising celebrities for their bodies, especially if they're super-busy moms/careerwomen who manage to DO IT ALL.

I Facebook-stalked stumbled upon the profile of someone I vaguely know through other people, and it was apparent from her profile (as my subsequent freakout on FB stated) that she and I were very similar in a bunch of different ways, but also she's younger, thinner, and prettier than I am, and though I don't really know her, I know that we have a lot of mutuals who really like her, and therefore, my brain also filled in that she must be more interesting, effortlessly cool, and likeable than I am too. (Brains are such awful things sometimes, aren't they?)

So yeah, that wasn't an especially fun moment of my weekend.

I gave myself some time to work through it (and thank you to all my FB friends who commented encouragingly! It really meant a lot!), and I ended up coming to a conclusion: So what?

So what if I'm not pretty, young, or thin? So what if I'm not effortlessly likeable and interesting? So what if I DO want to just put on PJs and watch Poldark instead of going to parties that I don't get invited to anyway?

I have a pretty great life regardless.

"Pretty" is subjective anyway.

"Young" is nothing I can do anything about.

"Thin" is nothing I care to do anything about.

And I don't think I'm an easy person to love, but I have a good amount of people who say they love me, so I must be worth it somehow.

I have never been, nor will I ever be, that perfect magazine girl who looks like she's got it all together. I mean, it's a farce anyway, right? Even the girls in magazines these days can't ever really be perfect magazine girls in real life (thanks, Photoshop!).

This is me. This is my reality:


I'm tired. Stressed out. Blemished. Scarred. I am flawed inside and out. I don't always do the right thing. I'm not always likeable or attractive. I definitely don't know how to be "hot." I don't know how to take perfect selfies, and I can't keep up with the beauty world anymore.

But you know what? I've got it pretty good anyway, even with all those things "wrong" with me. So I must be doing something right. And maybe I should just keep focusing on that.

Thursday, August 10, 2017

Heading down new roads

Somewhere on OR-38. Gorgeous.
A lot has happened in the last few months (as you've probably read), and now I can add one more thing to the headlines: I'm returning to the classroom.

Well, sort of - I will be teaching full-time online. I'm not going to have a physical classroom, but rather, I'll be working from a home office, and teaching high school students from all over the state of Oregon through my computer screen.

The first order of business (besides doing all my HR paperwork online) was to head out to North Bend for our New Teacher Orientation.

Four hours away, in a part of the state that I've only heard of and never been to (Coos Bay), to spend three days as a new teacher who doesn't know anyone else learning about a new method of teaching that I've never done before.

*gulp*

(Though, I think the driving-far-away-all-by-myself part made me more nervous than anything else.)

I'm a creature of habit. I've spent all ten years of my teaching career at the same school. Sat through staff development in the same theater, looking out at (mostly) the same faces. Basically taught the same things from year to year. (Not always, but overall, I've stuck to the same books and activities.)

And even the school I taught at was in the city I GREW UP IN. So even before I spent ten years teaching at the same school, I spent my LIFE in the same community.

One of the Oregon dunes
In the days leading up to the training, I was texting my work wife/bestie and lamenting how I could not imagine having to sit through staff development without her by my side. I know I'm not the only new kid, but I haven't BEEN the new kid in a long time. (Well, I guess you can count my current retail job, in which I'm still the most recent hire, but retail is not the same.) And I would be a long way from home :/

I ended up having a great time. My introvert self even hung out in the hotel bar with a few of my new department members one evening. (It was Trivia Night and we took second place!) We met a lot of the leadership team and support staff and I got a good sense that the community that I'm walking into is a good one, with values that seem to line up with mine.

Online teaching is different, but not THAT different. I am still, in essence, teaching the same skills and concepts (and even some of the same books-- looks like Macbeth just seems to be my lot in life). The delivery is a little different-- I don't get to see the kids' faces while I teach, but I will still have to manage a bunch of them in a room (a chatroom, really), and I still get to be me and add my own personal stamp on things.

Coos Bay, right next to my hotel
The drive, by the way, wasn't so bad. It was long, but I thankfully missed any terrible traffic both ways, and it was spectacularly scenic. Oregon, you are a GORGEOUS thing. I kept getting distracted by the mountains and trees and various bodies of water (the Umpqua River, lakes, the bay). The temperature was a good thirty degrees cooler than what we've been getting here in Portland, so even though we were busy working each day that we were there, it still felt like a nice little vacation.

Next week is full-staff professional development (at a shorter distance away), and I'm feeling a lot better than I was a week ago at this time. I am excited. I feel refreshed and nervous and positive, in a way I haven't felt in a while, and even though I'm a little swamped with things to do in preparation for the school year, I am all abuzz with anticipation.

I guess taking a new road isn't necessarily anything to be afraid of after all. It might lead you somewhere wonderful.

(image source unknown)

Wednesday, July 12, 2017

Project round-up

I've gotten a lot of knitting done lately. Here's a look at my latest round of FOs.

Pattern: May mitten from Kelbourne Woolens' "Year of Mittens" series
Yarn: Cumbria Fingering from The Fibre Co.


Pattern: Haruni by Emily Ross
Yarn: Cormo Fingering from Sincere Sheep


Pattern: Fuss-Free Festival Shawl by Louise Tillbrook
Yarn: Lilt from Black Trillium Fibre Studio


Pattern: Hawkshaw Cowl by Kate Burge and Rachel Price (I made another one for my dear friend Jen)
Yarn: Independence from Spincycle Yarns

And of course, because I never stop, I've got some other projects in progress that I'm excited to see through to finishing :)

Monday, June 26, 2017

A new normal

I'm doing okay.

That's what I tell people, because it's the truth - I'm doing better than "miserable and sad," but I'm definitely not "cheerful and joyful" either. I'm doing okay.

I'm struggling to find my way back to "normal." There is something about that profound moment of seeing the plus sign on a pregnancy test that rocks the very foundation of your life (well, my life, at least), such that I can no longer remember what exactly I did to pass my days before I was pregnant. And now that I'm no longer pregnant, I'm trying to figure out how to pass my days again.

Oh sure, I probably wasn't doing much differently - knitting, reading, going to work, posting on social media, whatever. That stuff all looks the same. You know, outwardly. But inside, I've been so restless and confused, like my entire existence is fidgeting and doesn't know how to settle down. What was my life like before all this happened? Who was I? I still hold my belly when I sleep.

Is this my new normal? Is this how life is going to be until we (hopefully) get pregnant again? Or until (god forbid) we decide to throw in the towel. (We're going to keep trying. We are.)

I'm tired. I don't know how to be right now. I don't know what my life is supposed to look like right now. I feel like I'm in this suspended state of existence, just waiting for things to happen.