Thursday, December 25, 2008

Merry Christmas!

Sitting alone in my room. I'm never really sure what to do with myself on Christmas Day, since I often get restless sitting around my house, and there's never really anything to do, since every place is closed and I can't go anywhere.

I should be in Portland right now, but the weather was so bad that my flight got canceled, and while it hasn't been TERRIBLE staying here, I would much rather be up there. It wasn't just about getting away - it was going to be a test. I'm still wavering between whether I want to move or stay, and going there for Christmas was going to be my chance to really envision myself there and picture how things would be (because it really WOULD just be me and Khoa, with no parents), and I was going to use this trip to make my decision. But now I don't know, and I don't have time to go up there again, really, and all these deadlines are closing in... :(

I long to go, but I also long to stay. Why does this have to be so hard? I love Portland, I love everything it has to offer me, and I love the idea that it is somewhere I could really belong. But I also love it here - specifically, I love working at MHS, and I love my friends and my kids and... it breaks my heart to think of leaving them. My past few weeks every SINCE making my decision to move have been full of these little moments that have just been perfect, as if all of the universe is trying to give me reasons to stay - a note from my officers that made me tear up, the Link Crew field trip, our class film festival, seeing a student film premiere on campus, lunch with my favorite boys and Lisa and Diane on the last day after break, the holiday street festival on Campbell Avenue... I can't remember loving life as much as I have been lately.

There is one other thing keeping me here, and I realize how stupid I will sound for saying that that one other thing is in fact a person. Him. I know, it's dumb, right? But I seriously cannot just get over him and walk away. Maybe I am a sucker, I don't know. All I know is, it hurts me to be away from him. I had thought that maybe it would be a good thing for me to get away from him, but I'm not strong enough to pull back yet. I'm really not.

I know. Thu is sad and pathetic. Merry Christmas.

In other completely unrelated news,

I made fudge. I've made white chocolate peppermint fudge every year for the past three years, and it's always a big hit. I'm not really good at cooking anything other than sweets, so I'm glad to make my one little contribution to the universe of delights.

I also just bought the most gorgeous yarn the other day:
It's Elaine by Schaefer Yarn. It's Merino, and I guess they name their colorways for this yarn after "Memorable Women." This one is "Indira Ghandi," and it's got these gorgeous purples, greens, oranges, and browns (as you can see). I never would have considered buying this yarn if I didn't have a $20 off reward discount to use, because it's pretty expensive even for me. Now I just need to find an appropriately gorgeous pattern to make with it. I might just make an airy garter stitch scarf and make it really skinny and long so I could wind it around myself a few times, because that's what I envision with these colors - just being swirled in them!

The plan for today - sit back, relax, try not to get restless as I make the push to finally FINISH my Clapotis!

Monday, December 22, 2008

Elizabeth hat



Yeah, that's me trying to look badass. In Malabrigo and holiday colors :)
I started my decreasing a couple rows early, since I was starting to run out of yarn, and didn’t want to start a whole new skein just to do a couple rows. As it turns out, I probably could’ve done those rows.
The hat is kinda stiff and sproingy. Note to self - use 11’s with this yarn. I have a whole other skein left, so I might redo this one on 11's, and just do 2x2 rib all the way... or, just switch to stockinette. I like slouch.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Hats for Maecy and Gia

Mystery Beret by Woolly Wormhead

Awesomely easy pattern, though I'm too scatterbrained for lace-knitting, I think. I keep missing YOs and decreases and such.


Gia's - made with Blue Sky Alpacas Dyed Cotton


Maecy's - made with Dream in Color Classy

Friday, December 19, 2008

Holidays

This time of year always makes me feel good. Lots of candy and cookies. Lots of love all around. A really great feeling of peace and well-being.

I'm going to Portland on Sunday night, and I think if I come back and still feel like I should stay here, then I will definitely stay here.

Also... *cryptically* I did not get all the answers I wanted to get, but what I did get will suffice. For now. Ca suffit.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Pros and Cons

Reasons to Stay:
- The big one: I love my job at MHS. I love my colleagues. I love my students (most of them). I love my duties as class advisor. I love being involved with Link Crew. Kathy is probably the best department chair I'll ever find anywhere. Also, I'm tenured now. If I were to raise a family in a new place, I'd want to wait until I have tenure again, which is another couple of years.
- My entire family is down here right now.
- Jimmy will undoubtedly move if I move, and if he moves, he's sure to have to struggle a lot more than if he stays here. Ultimately, it's his decision, and I can't let it affect me, but then again, I will definitely be the only person he can turn to for help, so it does affect me. And I should take that into consideration. I don't exist in a vacuum. And Rups could live at home and have a real backyard.
- All of these people: Teresa, Sanjit, Lily, Skyler, Castro, Lisa, Harrison, Kathy, Matt, Diane.
- Michael and Ginger each get to be separate reasons. Both are my best friends, and being without them would be like cutting out pieces of my heart.
- I'm supposed to chaperone prom and senior ball! Could I really give that up?
- Along those same lines, I DID promise to read names at graduation in 2011.
- Can't do roller derby up there. I'm not good enough for their team. Also, what if they're not as nice about newbies as SVRG? They already (kind of) know me and like me here.
- Right now I live at home, and can save up some money. Or I can find someplace cheap to live nearby, although it won't be very nice.
- Nike Women's Marathon. Can't lose my legacy runner status!
- People recognize me at: yarn stores, Urban Decay counter, cupcake place. And Prana ;)
- Does In n Out get to be its own reason?
- There is no Facing History and Ourselves in Oregon.
- I want to take over community service when Ribovich finally retires.
- California weather

Reasons to Go:
- The big one: Exactly my atmosphere/culture - liberal but not pretentious; less yuppie than San Francisco; less scary than Oakland. Laid back pace of life.
- It's cheaper up there. Eventually I will want to raise a family, and I can afford to on a teacher's salary up there. Here, not so much.
- My brother is there, and eventually my parents will leave California too.
- Friends that live there (that I know of): Cristina, Alex and Steph, Kate (both Kates, actually), and Teresa will be in Spokane.
- Powell's. (Yes, it deserves to be its own reason.)
- In addition, there are all my other old haunts (though, without all the same people I used to go with)
- Beaverton is a really good school district. IF I could get a job there.
- Oregon's Department of Education is probably not struggling as much as California's. *Dude, we're in danger of receiving PAY WARRANTS????*
- Clean air - it's snowing up there! - true fall colors
- 3 hours from Seattle, and not much further is Canada if I need to quickly leave the country.
- Oh right - no sales tax. Forgot that one. And I don't have to pump my own gas. Which will probably be cheaper anyway. And the Max is awesome.

argh

argh. just argh.

Monday, December 15, 2008

Second thoughts

Darlin' you've got to let me know...
Should I stay or should I go?

Sunday, December 14, 2008

MORE.

I finished two new hats this weekend:

The "In an Evening" Toque"

This was made with Mirasol Sulka on size 11's. Totally the most heavenly yarn ever. Mirasol might be my favorite yarn company.


The Side Slip Cloche

Rowan RYC Soft Lux on size 8's (instead of 5's) - I wanted it loose. It's totally cute. I knitted it with less slouch than called for because... I was lazy. I wanted to finish it. I barely used the second skein, so I think I'll make some girly wristwarmers. (That's what the pattern is called, actually.)

It's so cold in my house that my hands can barely type this.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

A series of finished projects

Triple-Choc Beanie
Kraemer Alpaca Bulky, 1 sk
Sz 10.5 needles












Fountain Hat
Mirasol Miski (I LOVE THIS YARN), 1.5 sks
Sz 6, 8, and 15 needles (and all in between), as per instructions












Knucks
Cascade 220 Superwash, 1 sk (still working on the second one)
Sz 5 needles










Woo! I've been busy! Still more to come.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

It's my birthday today.

Today I am 26. Without a doubt I'm an adult - I have been for a while, but I'm moving towards the years where I won't even have the excuse of youth to make mistakes or go wild or just be generally uncertain. Well, I'm sure people in their 30's do all of the above (and quite often at that), but by the time you get to that age, no one says, "Oh, she's young... she'll learn." At that age, all of that stuff somehow becomes the result of a choice made along the way and not an impulse or an accident.

And I'm excited about it. I've never been afraid of getting older because I feel like I'm on a constant quest to be respected and taken seriously. I feel like, since I still look like a kid, I still get treated like a kid sometimes, and that can get really irritating, since I've always been a fairly serious person and am more focused in my life than many people who are older than I am.

This past year has been quite an eventful one for me - I lost a very important friend, but I gained a very important friend as well; I had my heart broken and broke someone else's; I fell in and out of love and then in again; and the most important decision that I've made yet, one that I'm reluctant to talk about at the moment, is going to change my life entirely. Quarter life crisis? Been there. Hurdled that one. I'll probably be back to hurdle that one a few times more before this is through.

And what did I learn this year? It's not a lesson I've fully learned, but I'm trying: I'm trying to make myself happy. I've spent a long time trying to make other people happy - I daresay I've spent my whole LIFE trying to make other people happy if you count my parents - and now, I'm realizing that I really have to take care of myself. If only because I'm really bad about speaking up about what I want, and so the only person who can give me what I want is myself.

I'm trying to figure out what it means to be happy, what would make me happy, and for the most part, I've got it - a job that I love, friends who are there for me no matter what, someone who loves me and appreciates me for who I am. There are a couple pieces missing though, one completely within my reach and one entirely out of the question. Well, life isn't perfect, and I can't have everything I want, but I'm pretty darn close, I think.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

I would say "ARGH" except that I have no will to live.

I've been sick for about three weeks now. I've been coughing SO much, SO painfully... last night I was up until 3 in the morning coughing. I'm fairly miserable.

As a result, everything in my life feels just kind of uninspired now - work, knitting, dieting... I have no will to do ANYTHING. Just staying awake requires so much energy and creates so much heartache that I wish I could just sit at my desk with my head down for the day. Unfortunately, my kids require tight reins - not that I've been able to KEEP those reins tight with my abounding apathy towards life lately.

The ridiculous thing is, things are otherwise going WELL for me - I just bought a condo (my very first home!), I'm about to join a band, Twilight is coming out, I'm getting my tattoo finished... why am I not the most cheerful person in the world right now? Well, if you were coughing so hard that the blood vessels in your eyeballs felt like they were going to explode, you'd be miserable too.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008