Sitting alone in my room. I'm never really sure what to do with myself on Christmas Day, since I often get restless sitting around my house, and there's never really anything to do, since every place is closed and I can't go anywhere.
I should be in Portland right now, but the weather was so bad that my flight got canceled, and while it hasn't been TERRIBLE staying here, I would much rather be up there. It wasn't just about getting away - it was going to be a test. I'm still wavering between whether I want to move or stay, and going there for Christmas was going to be my chance to really envision myself there and picture how things would be (because it really WOULD just be me and Khoa, with no parents), and I was going to use this trip to make my decision. But now I don't know, and I don't have time to go up there again, really, and all these deadlines are closing in... :(
I long to go, but I also long to stay. Why does this have to be so hard? I love Portland, I love everything it has to offer me, and I love the idea that it is somewhere I could really belong. But I also love it here - specifically, I love working at MHS, and I love my friends and my kids and... it breaks my heart to think of leaving them. My past few weeks every SINCE making my decision to move have been full of these little moments that have just been perfect, as if all of the universe is trying to give me reasons to stay - a note from my officers that made me tear up, the Link Crew field trip, our class film festival, seeing a student film premiere on campus, lunch with my favorite boys and Lisa and Diane on the last day after break, the holiday street festival on Campbell Avenue... I can't remember loving life as much as I have been lately.
There is one other thing keeping me here, and I realize how stupid I will sound for saying that that one other thing is in fact a person. Him. I know, it's dumb, right? But I seriously cannot just get over him and walk away. Maybe I am a sucker, I don't know. All I know is, it hurts me to be away from him. I had thought that maybe it would be a good thing for me to get away from him, but I'm not strong enough to pull back yet. I'm really not.
I know. Thu is sad and pathetic. Merry Christmas.
In other completely unrelated news,
I made fudge. I've made white chocolate peppermint fudge every year for the past three years, and it's always a big hit. I'm not really good at cooking anything other than sweets, so I'm glad to make my one little contribution to the universe of delights.
I also just bought the most gorgeous yarn the other day:
It's Elaine by Schaefer Yarn. It's Merino, and I guess they name their colorways for this yarn after "Memorable Women." This one is "Indira Ghandi," and it's got these gorgeous purples, greens, oranges, and browns (as you can see). I never would have considered buying this yarn if I didn't have a $20 off reward discount to use, because it's pretty expensive even for me. Now I just need to find an appropriately gorgeous pattern to make with it. I might just make an airy garter stitch scarf and make it really skinny and long so I could wind it around myself a few times, because that's what I envision with these colors - just being swirled in them!
The plan for today - sit back, relax, try not to get restless as I make the push to finally FINISH my Clapotis!
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