Sunday, February 15, 2009

Is this really happening?

Sometimes I ask myself that question. Actually, I've been asking myself that a LOT lately - is this really happening? Is this baby really happening? It seems like one minute I was feeling slightly ill and tired all the time, and now I've got stacks of pregnancy books and pamphlets from the doctor's office and my big 18 week ultrasound has been scheduled. It's a whirlwind, isn't it? It's surreal that I'm supposed to be carrying on normally at work every day, while seeing pictures of this little kidney bean growing inside me and reading that my uterus is the size of a grapefruit now. I've seriously only seen my baby on the screen once. I have slightly irrational moments when I think I've imagined the whole thing, or I worry that the baby has just disappeared, to trick me. I'm reading all these books and looking at illustrations of fetal development, and I'm experiencing the same thing that I would imagine people would experience the first time they learn things are made of atoms which are broken down into nuclei and electron clouds - how do I know something is really there? I just have to accept it on faith.

The flickering on the screen was real (and I also was not the only person to witness it), and considering how I feel fine, I'm sure the baby hasn't gone anywhere. No one ever talks about how much of pregnancy is such a waiting game - waiting for my next appointment, waiting for the baby to develop, waiting for my tummy to show... Seriously, there's nothing I can do right now (other than the usual "eat right, stay healthy" sort of actions) to make this experience more certain, more confident, other than to wait. Waiting drives me crazy.

I know by the time I get to the end of it, these nine months will be a blip in the timeline and I have much more long-term things to deal with ahead of me, but for now, it's driving me crazy to wait for the days to pass, to wait to have answers. For now, my only solace is to look forward to every doctor's appointment because those are the only times I can know for sure that everything is okay and that everything IS REALLY HAPPENING.

1 comment:

  1. I know exactly how you feel. It *is* real and yes, it is really happening. I promise you. And when you start to feel the fizzy little gas bubbles in about 4 or 5 weeks? It's not gas. It's the baby. :-)

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