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Anyone who says that pregnancy is wonderful and lovely and beautiful either has never been pregnant, or has a fuzzy memory. In theory it's beautiful, because it's the creation of another soul and another life, and if you're a closet science nerd like I am, you're in uber-awe of how the simple division of cells eventually becomes a complex organism without any prompting from you whatsoever. (That's super cool.)

In reality? It's a pain in the ass. Literally (depending on how your baby is sitting or where she decides to kick at that moment). It's difficult and draining and even disgusting. You know, when I was younger, even though I've always adamantly been pro-choice, I've always secretly told myself that rather than have an abortion, I would carry the baby to term and give it up for adoption. Now that I actually am pregnant, I have to say that there is no freakin' way that I would ever put myself through this only to not have a baby at the end of it to call my own. It's just too much.

And I'm not even having a difficult pregnancy. My mom told me she threw up every single day she was pregnant with me, including the day I was finally born. Adrienne (who I went to high school with) said she started getting incredibly sick from 10 weeks on. I haven't thrown up once, although I came pretty close a couple times. (I gritted my teeth and used whatever mystical powers of meditation I possessed to keep everything from coming back up.)

But everything else SUCKS. I'm tired ALL THE TIME. That burst of energy that was supposed to come back for second trimester? Never happened. I'm more tired than ever, and I wonder partly if it has to do with the fact that my job is just very exhausting. Before I was pregnant, I got tension headaches a LOT, and I still get them now, and they take a bigger toll than before. I get sick to my stomach easily (that's my delicate way of phrasing it) after eating things that never used to make me sick before. (That's the worst.) I have to pee all the time, I have hip pain when I sleep, I can't sleep on my back or my stomach, I'm sensitive to smells and noises and bright lights, I'M A HUGE ELEPHANT and I can't tie my own shoes.

Don't get me wrong, I don't regret getting pregnant. I'm SO excited for Jolie. I've got a crib and baby clothes waiting. I dreamed about holding her last night, and woke up bitterly disappointed that I did not in fact have a baby to hold yet. I love my soon-to-be-daughter SO MUCH.

But let's cut the crap about what a wonderful time this is, okay? Because pregnancy is IN FACT pretty damn miserable. Let's call it what it is. I'm not a glowing mom-to-be here. My uterus is expanding above my belly button and I'm carrying a zillion times more blood, water, and weight than a normal human body does. It's affecting my job and my relationships because I have no energy for anyone. So don't get all giggly and squeal around me, okay? I'm toughing out the physically-hardest nine months of my life.

That said, I will also add that if you even TRY to touch my stomach without my permission, you WILL get b****slapped.