Sunday, June 28, 2009

I've watched the ripples change their size but never leave the stream of warm impermanence

I'm moving in two days. Jimmy and I are moving in together to a condo that my parents own, so we're renting it. It's a really gorgeous place, very private, and perfect to set up house and wait for Jolie to arrive. I'm very excited.

So I'm a bit overwhelmed about having to pack up my entire life. Well, not my ENTIRE life - let it be known that I'm a bit of a pack rat. Well, pack rats keep stuff because they think they'll need it later, right? I keep stuff because I'm really too lazy to deal with it, and all of a sudden, the boxes pile up. So, I'm a lazy ass, is the real story. Out of everything I own, I really only want to keep, like, HALF of it - I've already donated over half my wardrobe (which made a sizeable dent, but I still have about 10 garbage bags' worth of clothing that I'm keeping - and yes, that's how I "pack" my closet). I'm donating over half of my bookshelf, and believe me, that breaks my heart more than anything. I've always wanted to be one of those literary academic types with floor-to-ceiling bookshelves, but I have to sacrifice for the greater good. I've also - gasp! - gotten rid of ALMOST half of my yarn stash, although it's mostly the acrylic stuff that I bought early on that I haven't used at all since I started learning how to shop for the good stuff, so I'm not going to miss that.

Other than my books, I'm not going to be brokenhearted about anything I'm getting rid of. To be honest, I need to slough off all this extra baggage and minimalize for this "new life" we're starting - leave it all behind, you know? This is a new stage in my life, starting with finally having my own home with Jimmy, the way it's supposed to be, and then in not too long, the arrival of Jolie.

I'm so excited, to be moving and to be having a baby. I was packing up Jolie's clothes today as well, which I haven't looked through in a while, and I just couldn't wait - looking at each little adorable item, I just couldn't wait to see her in them. I've got another 3-D ultrasound in a couple of weeks, and I'm so excited to see my baby's face again - hopefully it will be a clearer shot, and Jolie won't keep trying to hide her face :)

I don't know if Jolie is either really shy, or she's really stubborn, but she's also been avoiding letting Jimmy feel her kick, until yesterday. She would kick me several times in succession, Jimmy would come over and try to feel her kick, and she would just be absolutely still, until he finally gave up and left - and THEN she would kick. And it wasn't a matter of timing, because Jimmy would wait for varying amounts of time every time. It's kind of funny :) But he finally felt her kick three times yesterday, pretty strongly, and he was very excited.

Well, off for more packing and cleaning...

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Pow!

Jolie kicked me so hard earlier that my stomach jumped. As did my heart in my chest.

Friday, June 19, 2009

It's the little things

I'm getting ready to move soon, but like, I can't move soon enough. I was happy about my living situation until I was offered the opportunity to move into my own place, and ever since then, I haven't been able to stomach ANYTHING about my previous living arrangement - every little thing annoys me that didn't used to annoy me before; people who I could tolerate previously are getting punched in the face (in my head, anyway); and I just am ITCHING to get the hell out of here. Like I said, things just can't happen fast enough.

Jolie is kicking, usually at inopportune times (like when I need to sleep, or after I've had a big meal), and therefore, making me VERY uncomfortable, as happy as I am to hear from her. ("Hi Mom! Check this out!" *WHAP!!!!*) Jimmy just felt her kick for the first time yesterday, and I'm happy for that - it's a chance for him to really feel her presence.

I'm glad summer has started. This year has been terrible, personally and professionally. I haven't been teaching very long, but I don't think I've ever been THIS bad of a teacher, as I was this year. I was a train wreck. I didn't even have a difficult pregnancy, but it was enough to make me miserable, and I really could not keep my personal life out of the classroom in terms of not letting it affect my job. In all honesty, I should've gone on leave, like, in February, and saved everyone a whole lot of grief.

But it's over, and I'm eager for a chance to make things better next year. (After I come back from leave, that is.) This September marks a fresh start in many different ways.

But for now, I need to get the hell out of here because either I will go crazy, or someone will end up maimed with a cheese grater.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Sometimes...

... I just get tired of being asked "How are you?" all the time. Especially because I know it's only being asked because of my pregnancy (at least, by people who've never bothered to ask me that before I was pregnant).

I feel like I should wear a sign (or, get tattooed) that says:
- I'm fine.
- The baby's fine.
- It's a girl.
- Her name is Jolie.
- She's due in September.
- Yes, I'm aware it's going to be difficult and I'm not going to sleep much.
- If I want your stories or your advice, I'll ask. Thanks.

And that should cut out all unnecessary small talk, and then the other person can either go along on their merry way, or talk to me about something else.

I'm not just a pregnant person. I'm a person, PERIOD, first and foremost. Believe it or not, the pregnancy isn't the only thing on my mind. It's the most important thing, yes, but I existed before I was pregnant too. Ask me about my worries for my job; ask me about how I think Conan is doing taking over for Leno; ask me about baseball or knitting or anything else that I'm interested in. Given the fact that I'm getting very little good sleep thanks to my enormous uterus (and the feet that keep kicking it) and my constant need to urinate, sometimes the last thing I want to discuss is just how excited I am oh-golly-gee. Sometimes I need the people around me to make me feel as normal as possible, to make me feel like I'm still me under all this extra uterus and amniotic fluid.

I AM still me, okay? I haven't gone anywhere. (I wouldn't get very far anyway.) I'm still the same Thu, and I'd like to be treated that way. Lots of things about me and my life are changing, but the essence of who I am is still here, and I wish people would still recognize that.