Thursday, March 4, 2010

The end is nigh. Oh, how nigh it is.

Last night was our last full practice. Tuesday night is Wump Skate, so we only have an hour to practice on Tuesday, and next Wednesday is day 1 of testing. (I find it highly amusing that the following week, I will be doing derby testing while my sophomores are taking the CAHSEE.)

So... it's come to this. It is as I thought all along - I am borderline. We did a practice 25-lap test last night, and I came in at 5:11 - if I practice more, push harder, I could come in under 5:00. And if I don't... well, then I won't. And it's going to be this way for all my tests.

Borderline is a hard place to be, because now it rests solely on my efforts. I have the skills to pass, but do I have the will? It'd be a different story if I was obviously NOT going to pass. But just as I've been feeling all along - I COULD pass. I just need to push myself.

This seems like a no-brainer, but I think part of the reason why I haven't is that I'm afraid, afraid of giving it my all and still failing. If you always hold back, then you can always tell yourself, "Well, I have it in me to reach my goal, I just didn't want to." But if you give it your all, and you still fail, then you know for sure that you don't have what it takes.

I'm not saying I didn't try last night - oh, I tried VERY hard. But did I keep my feet moving as much as possible? Did I relax my posture even slightly? Did I take the long route around the track when I should've skated the diamond? I sure did. And all of those things were probably what cost me my 11 seconds.

Do I have reasons? Yes - for example, I didn't skate at practice at all last week, except for maybe about an hour until I almost threw up. And I did some hard skating on Sunday, but I also sat out a lot. So I'm basically coming back from a week off and doing some of the most intense work ever. My back hasn't hurt this bad since the first week - it was like I worked so hard to get into shape, and being out a week set me back SO far. But my reasons aren't any more special than anyone else's. Other people are also hurt, are also sick. As the adage goes, s*** happens. And you just have to deal with it.

I've got a lot of work to do. Some of it I should've done already, but that's the past now, and all I have is the future.

So, as of right now, I don't know if I will pass. I could have a great couple of days and pass with flying colors. Or I could have a bad spell and not even come close. I'm at a crucial point where I have the power to push myself in one direction or another, and I need to stop being afraid and stop making excuses.

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