Last night was our last full practice. Tuesday night is Wump Skate, so we only have an hour to practice on Tuesday, and next Wednesday is day 1 of testing. (I find it highly amusing that the following week, I will be doing derby testing while my sophomores are taking the CAHSEE.)
So... it's come to this. It is as I thought all along - I am borderline. We did a practice 25-lap test last night, and I came in at 5:11 - if I practice more, push harder, I could come in under 5:00. And if I don't... well, then I won't. And it's going to be this way for all my tests.
Borderline is a hard place to be, because now it rests solely on my efforts. I have the skills to pass, but do I have the will? It'd be a different story if I was obviously NOT going to pass. But just as I've been feeling all along - I COULD pass. I just need to push myself.
This seems like a no-brainer, but I think part of the reason why I haven't is that I'm afraid, afraid of giving it my all and still failing. If you always hold back, then you can always tell yourself, "Well, I have it in me to reach my goal, I just didn't want to." But if you give it your all, and you still fail, then you know for sure that you don't have what it takes.
I'm not saying I didn't try last night - oh, I tried VERY hard. But did I keep my feet moving as much as possible? Did I relax my posture even slightly? Did I take the long route around the track when I should've skated the diamond? I sure did. And all of those things were probably what cost me my 11 seconds.
Do I have reasons? Yes - for example, I didn't skate at practice at all last week, except for maybe about an hour until I almost threw up. And I did some hard skating on Sunday, but I also sat out a lot. So I'm basically coming back from a week off and doing some of the most intense work ever. My back hasn't hurt this bad since the first week - it was like I worked so hard to get into shape, and being out a week set me back SO far. But my reasons aren't any more special than anyone else's. Other people are also hurt, are also sick. As the adage goes, s*** happens. And you just have to deal with it.
I've got a lot of work to do. Some of it I should've done already, but that's the past now, and all I have is the future.
So, as of right now, I don't know if I will pass. I could have a great couple of days and pass with flying colors. Or I could have a bad spell and not even come close. I'm at a crucial point where I have the power to push myself in one direction or another, and I need to stop being afraid and stop making excuses.