Monday, July 11, 2016

Looking ahead and looking behind

Source unknown
I know, it's been a while since I've posted!

Still here, still alive. I can't even claim to be too busy, since I'm on summer break right now, and if you're friends with me on social media, I've definitely been posting there. I guess I've been preoccupied? by a lot of other things.

So what have I been up to? At the time of my last post, I was in the middle of jury duty, and it was kind of an intense criminal case. Then I developed an eye infection and a really bad cold. And then I got better and went to Disneyland with two of my dear friends, a grown-ups only trip (since my trips over recent years have always been with Jolie). I've been reading and writing and knitting and sleeping and thinking a lot about the current state of the world and listening to Hamilton.

And now? We're two weeks away from moving. TWO WEEKS.

Am I excited? Totally. Am I nervous? Yup, definitely. Am I daunted by the sheer amount of THINGS that need to be packed up/thrown out/given away? ABSOLUTELY. I've been thinking about this in abstract for the past year, and now it's time to actually put things in motion. It's GO time.

At this point, I feel like what I'm looking forward to even more than Oregon itself is just finally taking the step forward. I feel like I've been living on the cusp for this past year (especially this past month), where things have to be halted and put on hold. A lot of things are up in the air for me right now, and lately I feel like I'm standing at the starting line for race, perpetually waiting for the gun to go off, but it just hasn't yet. Like, I've been holding my breath and waiting for an entire year.

Well, I only have two weeks more to wait, I suppose.

I've been trying to say my goodbyes and wrap up my business. Like, June was full of an onslaught of medical appointments, squeezed in before my work-covered insurance ran out. I'm trying to see as many friends as I can, visit as many of my favorite spots as I can, and just generally soak in California-ness before I go.

One thing I haven't been doing enough of is lifting. (Seriously, I apologize if you started following my blog or social media because of my lifting videos, and then got... nothing.) After my competition in March, I went straight into running because of the Tinker Bell Half Marathon in May (and not doing much of either since), and this is pretty typical of the inner pushing and pulling that I feel, between these two sports, between past and future, etc.

The more I try to get back into the running, the more I've realized that I really am just not capable of it right now - not until I lose some weight to alleviate the impact on knee, not until I've fully internalized the fact that I just can't do high mileage runs anymore. I would love to be that person who says "Screw medical advice!!!" and actually proves them wrong, and maybe I actually CAN do that, but I can't do that and ALSO expect to be able to squat heavy. Right now, I HAVE to choose.

And I've decided that I'm going to choose lifting. Even if I do get around to losing weight, the truth is that my running trajectory has been capped - there's only so far I can go at this point (literally and figuratively), with the damage I've done to my knee. I'm never going to run a faster marathon (or even run another one, period). I'm probably never going to complete an ultra. I know I could try to improve my 5k and 10k times, but to be honest, those are not distances I'm interested in dedicating myself to. There's nothing wrong with them, and certainly there are AMAZING elite runners who stick to 5k and 10k races, but for some reason, my heart has always belonged to longer distances. It's just what I love.

But powerlifting... it's still new to me, and I feel like the sky is the limit. I don't feel like I've done nearly everything that I'm capable of in powerlifting, and it's exciting to think of how far I can go. I have this crazy idea in my head that I could compete at USAPL Nationals someday. (And maybe it's not such a crazy idea, because I think my last meet total, if I had done it at a sanctioned meet, would qualify me NOW.) Just to GO and compete would be such an amazing accomplishment, and I really think that I can do this.

#GOALS
Looking ahead, of course, I have already found a powerlifting gym near-ish to our new home that already trains lots of competitive lifters, so all I need to do is, you know, GO...

But we still have two more weeks. And so, I'm still holding my breath. Waiting.