Wednesday, March 1, 2017

I want to be where your heart is home

Spring is just around the corner, but as far as I know, it will stay rainy and gray around here for quite a bit longer. We've had a few nice days here and there, but overall it's been the darkest, coldest winter I've ever had.

I find myself missing the California sunshine. I had an errant thought the other day that I really want to go to Disneyland. I mean, that's not unique or special - a lot of people love Disneyland and it's fun to escape into a fantasy away from your real life. But this time I actually was thinking about the getting-to-Disneyland part of going to Disneyland too.

I'm not really into long drives, and the drive to Disneyland is largely unexciting - just lots of brown hills and farmland, for the most part. But there's something in my heart right now longing for that vast stretch of sun-drenched freeway.

Of course, it's not just the sunshine that I miss. I'm pretty isolated up here - I have Portland-area friends and coworkers and gym buddies, but I'm quite a ways out from all of them and haven't really been up to socializing, to be honest. So I'm often just holed up in my cold house, knitting and looking through my social media feeds in between running errands and work.

And it's hard not to feel sad. I'm watching the people that I love living their lives without me, and it was my decision that made this happen. I don't know if it's the sky making me sadder than I normally would be, or if it's also because I'm feeling adrift and purposeless right now because I'm not currently teaching, or if social media generally makes me sad because of the FOMO it engenders, or... I don't know. Maybe some combination of all those things. I'm at a point where it hurts profoundly and I have to just close my window and distract myself with fictional worlds and people, instead of the real thing.

I'm not sorry I decided to move, because I do think this is where I am meant to be. I just didn't realize how lonely it would feel. I'm already not good at reaching out to people when I have friends around to reach out to; it's even harder now, when I barely know anyone. So I just hide myself away instead.


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