Monday, June 26, 2017

A new normal

I'm doing okay.

That's what I tell people, because it's the truth - I'm doing better than "miserable and sad," but I'm definitely not "cheerful and joyful" either. I'm doing okay.

I'm struggling to find my way back to "normal." There is something about that profound moment of seeing the plus sign on a pregnancy test that rocks the very foundation of your life (well, my life, at least), such that I can no longer remember what exactly I did to pass my days before I was pregnant. And now that I'm no longer pregnant, I'm trying to figure out how to pass my days again.

Oh sure, I probably wasn't doing much differently - knitting, reading, going to work, posting on social media, whatever. That stuff all looks the same. You know, outwardly. But inside, I've been so restless and confused, like my entire existence is fidgeting and doesn't know how to settle down. What was my life like before all this happened? Who was I? I still hold my belly when I sleep.

Is this my new normal? Is this how life is going to be until we (hopefully) get pregnant again? Or until (god forbid) we decide to throw in the towel. (We're going to keep trying. We are.)

I'm tired. I don't know how to be right now. I don't know what my life is supposed to look like right now. I feel like I'm in this suspended state of existence, just waiting for things to happen.

1 comment:

  1. I'm so sorry for your loss. Never having been pregnant but wanting 5 children, but at the age and health situation where that is never going to happen, I can empathize. Sending you kind thoughts and respectfully suggesting that you do what you're doing now ... going through each stage of your grief until they are done. Don't feel pressured to feel anything else than what you're feeling now. (hugs)

    ReplyDelete

Before you comment, please note: respect and patience go a long way.